Apology to the Devotees

by Hansadutta das, 1999

Posted on this website Nov 2007

The following letter written to a friend most correctly expresses my sincere, heartfelt
regrets. I publish it herewith as a humble attempt to address and offer my sincere and
humble apology to all the devotees worldwide.-Hansadutta das

Dear Urdhvaga Prabhu:

Please accept my most humble obeisances. I received your letter dated 22 March 1993. I
did not write, because before doing so, I wanted to fathom the actual depth and cause of
my complete degradation and disgraceful behaviour after the disappearance of Srila
Prabhupada, especially in connection with illegal assumption of the initiating zonal Guru
Acharya activities in which I played such a destructive role.

Although I see everything in a sane, sober and proper perspective now, it has taken me
more than 10 years of painful, anguished and repentant soul searching to understand my
problem-a problem which to you and many sincere disciples of Prabhupada was obvious from
the moment (and even before that) Prabhupada left this mortal world in 1977. Being
completely overwhelmed with the fever of pratistha (desire for name and fame), obsessed
with the ambition to be a guru, in short to be the lord and master of the devotees, I
consequently became completely blind to the order of Srila Prabhupada, which he clearly
expressed in his letter to the GBC and temple Presidents, dated July 9, 1977. In that
letter he named 11 devotees and made it clear that they are to act as his rittvik
representatives (deputies) for initiating new disciples on behalf of the Founder-acharya
A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. Srila Prabhupada never sent any other directive,
newsletter or written document thereafter indicating that any one of his disciples should
be an acharya or guru in any way. His letter of July 9, 1977, naming 11 senior disciples
or rittvik representatives stands alone as the only order Prabhupada ever issued before
his disappearance (four months later) in November of that year, 1977.

For years since, falling down from the standard of devotional service, I have suffered
grievously, knowing I caused the spiritual ruin of hundreds and thousands of sincere,
aspiring devotees, whom I stole away (kidnapped) from Srila Prabhupada (the
Founder-acharya) by presenting myself as a bonafide acharya, spiritual master, when in
fact I was not even able to control my senses any more than an ordinary karmi.

Why has it taken me so long to write this frank and honest letter? Because the hankering
and ravenous hunger for honour and prestige as a guru, acharya and holy man is so strong
in my heart it is only in the last year that by the grace of Prabhupada and the attentive
chanting of the Holy Name that the fever of pratistha has subsided to the point where I
can clearly see and express myself in this regard honestly.

I am humbly prostrating myself before you, Urdhvaga, and all the devotees everywhere,
especially those who were subjected to the unhappy relationship of accepting me as their
Guru and thereby being completely broken in their faith and enthusiasm to perform
devotional service.

I know that simply writing a letter of apology is not enough. I shall spend the rest of
my life doing everything I can to re-establish Srila Prabhupada as the Founder-acharya
and modern-day Vyasadeva of the Brahma Gauidya Vaishnava Sampradaya, as expressed in the
enclosed paper, "Prabhupada, His Movement and You."

I suggest that those new devotees who have been erroneously initiated by ISKCON gurus who
like myself have fallen down or who present themselves as anything more than rittvik
representatives of the Founder-Srila Prabhupada, can be properly initiated once and for
all simply by accepting Srila Prabhupada as their guru and sampradaya acharya by sitting
in on a rittvik initiation performed by a devotee who is properly situated in the order
of Srila Prabhupada, as per his July 9, 1977 letter authorising rittvik representatives
to initiate on his behalf.

The bottom line is simply this: The senior disciples should have continued to do after
the disappearance of Srila Prabhupada what they were already doing for years while
Prabhupada was present: act as Srila Prabhupada's menial servants in the matter of
initiations. They were rittviks while he was present, and they should have continued to
be rittviks in his absence. Anything more than this is nothing more than the ambition to
be guru, which is one of the two last traps of maya--the other being the desire to be
Krishna.

That you have written me such a heartfelt, sincere and honest letter has helped me so
much. Meanwhile, I have made connection with Yashodanandan, along with a number of other
devotees who have helped me very much in my fallen condition. Their association gives me
hope and strength that I maybe able to do some service in the future to help rectify the
deteriorated condition of Prabhupada's movement.

I know you are always my true friend, and I am very sorry that I hurt you so much over so
many years. Please forgive me. I hope we will meet again soon and begin a new chapter of
our friendship in the service of Prabhupada. Please forgive me. It has taken so long for
me to come back down to earth.

Your humble servant and friend,

Hansadutta das